These Are The Times

One last Portugal-related post, a glimpse into how some in that part of the world parse the U.S. This entertaining image is from a magazine cover, of a news-digest kind of magazine. I can't read Portuguese, but I figured this one out, given the context. Artist unknown:

And, unrelated, the most memorable thing anyone said to me there was, "In your country, time is money. In Portugal, time is time."

How Do You Mend?

Match dating situations 1, 2, 3, and 4 with the correct responses (A, B, C, or D).

#1: After two dates and making a third date, for trout fishing, text arrives from #1 cancelling, saying he thought he could handle two relationships at once but he felt so guilty and needed time to straighten things out with his long-distance girlfriend of three years, whom he sees only on weekends, but I was so interesting and attractive that if he did break up with her, could he call me?

#2: Charming, cosmopolitan date so mutually thrilling that two days later we meet again at a cafe, where he delivers, out of the blue, a most cynical two-hour harangue on politics city, state, national, and global, with a preview of the coming apocalypse. After several courteous and failed attempts to change the subject or get a word in, I openly showed boredom, but it was as if I were not there. Realizing that I would honestly prefer to be having coffee with Todd Aiken, I say a polite goodbye. Text arrives that evening asking do I like him, and apologizing that he sometimes talks too much, and he is such a progressive that some people are not used to it.

#3: Scientific type agrees to meet. The day before, I email him to confirm. He replies he can't make it, is too busy with work, and will call "in a couple of weeks."

#4: World-class tightwad, age 68, who brings me an empty wine bottle because it's pretty, is plainly told that we can be friends but no more than that. This sets him on fire, not to go out on actual dates, but to take long hikes together and send me late-night drunken texts. As a friend, I accompany him to his colonoscopy, and when he awakens he warns me that he is naked beneath his gown and I am not to peek.

A. F--- you.
B. F--- off.
C. ROTFLOL
D. All of the above.

Driving (Me Nuts)

2002 Buick Century

"Stop! There's a stoplight!" "Mom, I see it." "I thought you weren't going to stop." "Mom, I know a red light means stop." "But you weren't slowing down." "Mom, I don't ride the brake. I step on the brake when we get closer to the light." "You scared me. I thought you weren't going to stop." "The state of Missouri thinks I can drive, Mom." "But you don't know this place or where the stoplights are!" "Mom, I have eyes, I can see the stoplights. I am not stupid." "I'm not saying you're stupid, I'm saying you don't know how to drive here." "I've been driving for 40 years, Mom." "Now the light is going to turn green." "Yes,  I know." "And when it turns green, you go." "Yes, Mom, I know that." "I'm just trying to help, I don't want a smash-up." "There won't be any smash-up." "I worry. I don't want to wreck the car" [2002 Buick Century,  44,000 miles]. "I won't wreck the car." "Now turn here; look both ways. No, no, not here; I didn't want to turn here, I meant the next one." [Stony silence from driver.] "Now here comes a car; watch out, there's a car!" (Gasps, clutches car seat.) "Mom, I see the car." "It was coming right at us!" "No, it was in its lane." "I don't want us to get hit!" "Mom, I think (laughing) you might be a control freak." "Oh, you talk so nasty to me. You make me cry. You cut me to the heart" (weeping). "That doesn't work on me anymore, Mom." "You called me a freak (weeping) and you called me something else before."[Thirty seconds of stony silence.] "Now we're at 56th. In two more blocks we'll be at 58th."

Redneck Culture

The mayor of our fair rural hamlet wants you to know there are absolutely no trailer parks within our city limits. He doesn't have to say--because everyone knows--that the rednecks live in Villa Ridge. Nonetheless, aspects of redneck culture (pictured) do infiltrate our daily lives of working, going home to watch Judge Judy, then sitting at the computer looking at YouTubes or whatnot, and then prayer before bed.

I was recently in Indiana for eight days and liked it, but Missouri redneck culture dissuaded me from bringing home a T-shirt that said "INDIANA" because Indiana is the home of "Hoosiers" and here, "hoosiers" doesn't mean "people from Indiana"; it's an offensive word for the lowest form of redneck culture, which you can find in Villa Ridge. It's a noun, as in "He's a hoosier," or an adjective ("The place looks kind of hoosier") or a verb ("I washed and vaccumed out the truck, so don't you hoosier it up". Supposedly it's a greeting, "Who's your Daddy," corrupted over the years; and nobody knows how it got to be a fightin' word here in Missouri.

Midwestern Graffiti

Back East where I used to live, when a car window or a truck was dirty or dusty as they so often are in late winter, people wrote vivid and highly creative obscenities on it so that in traffic it could offend absolutely everyone.

The tone of such things in the Midwest is so mild and different--so Midwestern--it makes me laugh. Frequently the classic "Wash Me" appears. Whereas out East you might read on the passenger side of a dusty van that its totally innocent owner would do a sex act for a stated amount of money, here you see "I Love You" or "Go Cardinals" or "Jesus saves" or peace signs. I took this photo in a parking lot while the owner sat in the vehicle, and he/she didn't even try to call the police on me. It's just that relaxed.

Only a Select Few Can Be. . .

This is the business that regulates whether people may call themselves Midwesterners or not. I got a hold of the written test they give, and am sharing it here:

1. Are you, or have you ever been, at least 8 pounds overweight?
2. Do you like meat and potatoes?
3. Can you change a light bulb by yourself with no problem?
4. Do you own duck boots?
5. Do you know or are you related to a farmer, or do you do business with one?
6. Are you friendly to white strangers?
7. Do you think having an ATV or RV would be okay if someone else paid for it?
8. Have you ever been all sweaty?
9. Have you ever had a beer because there was nothing else to drink?
10. Do you think "bobcat" is both a noun and a verb?

 Essay questions:

1. Describe the difference between a bulldozer and a backhoe.

2. Describe the little place on the lake.

3. What are the three most important gun safety rules?

On Trader Joe's and Karl

You know how you eat so much fiber that your gut makes sounds like dial-up? Ever get tired of always consciously feeding yourself fresh raw alkaline organic locally-grown vitamin-packed calcium- and iron-rich fair-trade fibrous foods, and recycling the packaging? I've got a friend whose stomach growls constantly. His kids named this phenomenon "Karl" and when "Karrrrlllll" grumbles it's all I can do to stay in the room because it's impolite to laugh. I shop Trader Joe's grocery because it is cheap and most of it organic. There's some controversy about unions or imports or whatnot, but with my responsibilities I can't fix everyone else's problems until I catch up a bit on eating fresh raw alkaline organic locally-grown vitamin-packed and fibrous foods, and recycling the packaging (the recycling center is seven miles away). Organic carrots, lettuce, potatoes, pepitas, apples and broccoli slaw mix are in this healthy haul, plus cave-ripened bleu cheese. Now that I'm politically and nutritionally correct, let me go have a marshmallow.

Th*ngs Demetrius Used to Say

• "I'm so glad people are much more polite to me than I am to them."
• "I speak on the phone. Others yack on the phone."
• "Quit asking; I can't just pull it out of my a**"
• "What kind of a sheeny outfit are you people running here, anyway? You ought to be ashamed of yourselves."
• (When asked why he did not clean the bathroom) "I don't perceive it as dirty."
• (When asked if he would throttle a baby bunny) "Only if it was bothering me."
• "Bring me food."
• "I did not call you stupid. I said, 'Why are you behaving stupidly?'"
• "Everyone should wake up in the morning and ask, 'What can I do for Demetrius today?'"

Advice for Single Ladies

To all the girls who are in a rush to have a boyfriend or get married, a piece of Biblical advice: "Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz." While you are waiting on YOUR Boaz, don’t settle for any of his relatives: Broke-az, Po-az, Lyin-az, Cheating-az, Dumb-az, Drunk-az, Cheap-az, Lockedup-az, Goodfornothing-az, Lazy-az, and especially his cousin Beatinyo-az. Wait for your Boaz and make sure he respects Yoaz.  -attributed to Hubert Brandon

An Old Watermelon Joke

Was a watermelon farmer from Kennett, MO, whose crop got ripe and every day he found a big fat juicy melon missing from his garden. He put up a sign that said "Warning: One of the Watermelons in This Patch is Poisoned!" and figured that would fix the thief. Farmer the next day came out and found his sign had been scribbled on and changed to say, "Two of the Watermelons in This Patch Are Poisoned!"

Graves

I wouldn't post this unless I was sure that J. William and Margaret had been teased about this in life and woodn't mind being teased about it 100 years down the road. Rest in Peace. Taken near Stotts City, MO.

People in Their 50s Trying to Have A Conversation

-"Now what was the name of that movie you told me about the other night?"
-"I don't remember telling you about any movie."
(Long bursts of laughter.)