I Don't Miss T.V.

I love TV and I owe it for all the Three Stooges, Mighty Mouse, Red Skelton, Dave Clark Five, Monkees, Partridge Family, America's Most Wanted (my favorite program for 11 years!), and Beavis and Butt-head it's given me. And Judge Judy. For the last three years hers has been the only show I DVR'd or sat down to watch. I pay only for local channels; no HBO or Comedy Channel, so I never saw Stephen what's his name or the Jon guy who just retired, or binge-watched anything, nor have I ever seen Downton Abbey or Orange is the New Black, or watched anyone beheaded, so have no water-cooler talk whatsoever. Even this little thread-end of satellite service cost me $36 monthly.

Furthermore I heard someone say CNN stood for "Constant Negative News." Called the Dish people and "suspended" my service. That costs $12 a month and after 3 months it goes back on full blast.

In the surprise of the century, fearing withdrawal symptoms, within a day I lived just fine without it. The days have more hours. I wake earlier. When I see TV at the gym -- often tuned to a "house hunting" show -- it looks and sounds absurd. Glimpses of dramas show me lots of dead bodies. Maybe breaking a habit that stretches back at least 55 years -- almost back to the dawn of television itself; I never knew a world without it --was so painless because it's summer. I ordered some books. I'm trying new habits of thought. TV was filler. No one ever died wishing they'd watched more TV.

I Heart Judge Judy

According to Judge Judy, she has 10 million viewers every weekday and hers is the only show I'll take an hour to watch (back-to-back episodes between 4 and 5 p.m.) and the only show I record so I never miss it, and the only reason I pay $35 a month for TV because I regularly watch nothing else now that Jay Leno's off the air.

I know how much she's hated, yet Her Honor fascinates me: a rude, clever, demanding woman skewering the scum of humanity: defaulters on loans, grabbers of steering wheels, owners of unleashed dogs, teenage drunks, no-show DJs, urban BB shooters, non-paying roommates, Craigslist creeps--smartasses of all ages. She's part of what makes America great.

Yet Her Honor is not the whole show. I heart how much the real people look exactly like what they are! The sleaze has the posture, clothing, haircut, makeup, look, voice, facial expression of a sleaze. The skank, the rich suburban psycho, the ne'er-do-well father of 6 children by 4 women, the lazy laborer, or the swole-belly penny-ante landlord--all seem to look exactly like what they are. I'm especially enthralled when the plaintiffs and defendants are from Missouri. Okay, I've admitted it. I've watched for years. Years.