Wash Your Hair Once a Week

I keep this old home-economics book, from a box of  secondhand books somebody gave us when I was a kid, because it seriously changed my life, telling me for the first time how to sit, dress, look, choose and coordinate colors and clothing styles (what?) and amazingly, said (this was 1957): "The normal scalp may be shampooed every one or two weeks. A weekly shampoo is necessary if the air is heavy with smoke and dust, or if the hair is light in color."

Shampoo every two weeks? I once went four days and my hair smelled like the camel/rhino enclosure at the zoo. What kind of world was it that this book contained? A world of either/ors, I guess:

In the culture of 50 years later, now our hair is clean but typically our posture much more resembles the dreamer/beatnik/free spirit's on the right. In fact we like her better; the controlled one is a "brownie" or "teacher's pet" or "sucking up" and certainly the boys would say she's a "high-maintenance" chick. The girl on the right -- she might let the boys get to second base, or even third.

Maybe when I was 9 and first read through this book I knew the answer to the question just above, but as an adult I understand, completely, the girl on the right.

Things Mom Did That I Don't

• dust with Pledge.
• towel-dry the dishes and put them away. To this day I ask her why not air-dry the dishes. She simply doesn't like leaving them out.
• percolate coffee.
• sneezed violently all day instead of using antihistamines.
• her own taxes.
• set her hair in brush rollers pinned with pink plastic pins, and then sleep wearing the whole assembly.
• wear a real rubber girdle--a sheath with pinholes for ventilation--and when rubber ones were no longer made, she wore a spandex girdle. When I was a kid I asked her why women wore girdles and she said it wasn't nice for ladies to wiggle.
• have children. She made it look extremely difficult.
• hung clothes and sheets on a line. We used to steal the clothespins and make puppets out of them.
• make and fry doughnuts. The five of us ate them all within minutes.
• remove mice from traps. I toss the trap with the mouse still in it.
• had a cookie jar.
• darned socks and sweaters, inserting a light bulb and patching the hole over it.
• canning, always on the hottest day in August, with an electric fan whirring to no effect.
• put clothes through a wringer.

I Want to Be Cute

Before	After
(Note: I had just removed a hat.)	Ninety minutes later.

Fallen in love at first sight: 48 percent of men have; only 28 percent of women. (Citation.) From the back of the pack I've been watching as men at events -- middle-aged events such as networking, singles, and hikes -- go straight for the blondes, falling in starry-eyed love right there in front of me. Kitchen-sink bleach-bottle blonde with an inch of dark roots doesn't matter, weathered skin and a voice like a foghorn don't matter. I'm fitter, thinner, better educated, very cute, or, in a tight dress, a ringer for an exotic Russian spy. Doesn't matter. In Jefferson County, 7 of  every 10 white women can be classified as blond because they've been quicker to learn that blondes have more fun. I've examined this issue from every angle, and it is what it is. A woman who hasn't clearly and deliberately altered her natural appearance might as well be a man.

My natural hair color resembles 80-percent-cacao chocolate. I've never colored it. Furthermore it's short. I think I'm wonderful. But, maybe it's just wintertime, I consulted my hairdresser, who thought I'd make a terrible blonde and suggested highlights instead. I made an appointment for the very next day.

Now my hair is more like a peanut butter cup. Come hither, gentlemen! Let me sort YOU out by your hairlines.

Girly Girlness in the Ozarks

It's more important in the country than in the city for a woman to show her femininity so's people don't think you're one of those man-hater women's libbers. When I drive downstate I put on lipstick (looks like I'm wearing full makeup); that could be the difference between being helped with a flat tire or left to change it myself. Other acceptable ways to look like a girly girl:

• Wear pink or red
• Wear floral prints or at least paint-on or stick-on flowers on your clothes
• Wear flowy clothing
• Dye your hair blonde
• Grow your hair long, no matter how awful it looks (mine is short, so I compensate with pink or red or florals)
• Have your toenails and fingernails painted. Extra points for long fingernails with nail art (as shown).
• Wear bling
• Don't wear Birkenstock sandals
• Do show cleavage (at any age)
• Smile and make your eyes big
• Wear full makeup 
• Have a very obvious and huge boob job

In short, look like Dolly Parton as much you can. The nail-art samples above come from the local nail salon that I favor.