Country Caulking

On a chilly night the new acrylic indoor storm windows leaked cold, so feeling around the single-pane window frame and catching breezes, I looked carefully and saw all three layers of the window frame needed caulking, right now, in the ever-narrower space in Missouri between hot summer and cold winter, neither of those good for caulking.

In September I spent three days caulking a historic single-pane window real nice (with "antique white"), but this one is 1969 in an aluminum frame and it rained yesterday and it'll rain tomorrow so instead of having fun I got the stepladder and drop cloths, plastic bags, nitrile gloves, wet rags and caulking gun and worked quick and dirty. Nearly every inch of this 85-year-old house needs caulking. Aproned and teetering and reaching overhead and messing up, I do it about every 10 years. This time I noticed caulk technology has changed; now soap and water will get it out of your hair and off your gloves and pants.

Inner critic: Your caulking stinks.
Me: Shut up. It's better than yours.
Inner critic: Should have cut the the tube a narrower tip --
Me: I didn't see you lending a hand.
Inner critic: Slow and steady. Don't smooth beads with your finger; use a craft stick! What a mess! Don't you have a sponge? Don't poke at that, it's almost dry! Now it's worse!
Me: The caulk didn't fill it up the first time.
Inner critic: It would have, if you'd been patient --
Me: Cram it.

The photo is AFTER I caulked and while it's curing. Yes, it's hoosier, but it looks a lot like the art downtown at the Pulitzer. In the right light.

Let's You and Me Do the Local Paper's Crossword

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1 TNM

2 lecturer

3 Belfrance

4 phlegm

5 inacting

6 fairy

7 bitch

8 LatviaCity

9 Ace

10 pit

11 dick

12 writer

14 jagger

17 gaming

18 rich

20 austriahungary

23 lipoed

24 shutup

25 tacky

26 dude

29 forsale

30 narc

31 criticized

32 leaves

35 nothing

36 Syria

38 Jew

40 salt

41 bidet

42 holler

43 busy

44 thataway

45 finally

46 wait

47 fox

Redneck Culture

The mayor of our fair rural hamlet wants you to know there are absolutely no trailer parks within our city limits. He doesn't have to say--because everyone knows--that the rednecks live in Villa Ridge. Nonetheless, aspects of redneck culture (pictured) do infiltrate our daily lives of working, going home to watch Judge Judy, then sitting at the computer looking at YouTubes or whatnot, and then prayer before bed.

I was recently in Indiana for eight days and liked it, but Missouri redneck culture dissuaded me from bringing home a T-shirt that said "INDIANA" because Indiana is the home of "Hoosiers" and here, "hoosiers" doesn't mean "people from Indiana"; it's an offensive word for the lowest form of redneck culture, which you can find in Villa Ridge. It's a noun, as in "He's a hoosier," or an adjective ("The place looks kind of hoosier") or a verb ("I washed and vaccumed out the truck, so don't you hoosier it up". Supposedly it's a greeting, "Who's your Daddy," corrupted over the years; and nobody knows how it got to be a fightin' word here in Missouri.

Cabin Fever

You know how spring gets you thinking about home-improvement projects? How about this rec room makeover for family fun?  Beats a ping-pong table. From The Pistol Shooters Treasury, 2nd edition, 1973. Ahh, the olden days....that looks like a Ruger Mark II in his hand. He can't be shooting larger caliber than a .22 if he's doing it at such short range, one-handed...I can't think of anything more ludicrous or dangerous than a home basement firing range. A figment of somebody's cabin fever.

It's Down a Ways, and That's God's Truth. . .

I'm not from here, so I say "crick" and "Rout 66," and if I'm giving someone directions I say, "It's down a ways," and I call a drinking fountain a "bubbler," and a haymow a "haymau," and if I was from a little farther north than I am I would call soda "pop," but I ain't such a hick as all that.

Here people say, "Better 'n' a sharp stick in the eye," and "His ain't the brightest porch light on the block," and "dumb as a bag of hammers," and an ugly woman can "sit on a tombstone and hatch haints," and a little west of here they say "It dudn't," when they mean "It doesn't," but I ain't such a hick as all that -- and they call a hick -- one who doesn't have any manners and doesn't care -- a "hoosier," which is a fightin' word, and nothing to do with Indiana.

And they finish a fervent statement with, "and that's God's truth." That last one I picked up and said, without thinking, in front of a bunch of people from out East who were visiting, and they cut their eyes at each other, like they was really gettin' local color.