I'm No Longer Going to Save You From Yourself

Friend has heart attack but still smokes. "I've cut way down, to about five a day." I say, "We so much need you to stay with us on this earth. I will help you quit smoking any way I can." He still smokes.

Sometime friend can't sleep because a belly the weight and size of five bowling balls suffocates him when he lies down. He buys a new ultra-super-duper mattress but still suffocates. He phones the mattress dealer demanding a refund because he's heard that sleeping on a bad mattress causes weight gain and his weight is the fault of the mattress.

Friend, age 50, has never seen a dentist. Complains about and shows me a painful infected wisdom tooth. I said, "I have a great dentist, right in this neighborhood." He says no thanks, it really doesn't hurt that much.

Person pays me to edit a book manuscript so it will be of publishable quality. I do it. Then he asks me, is there one button he can push to undo all the edits, or does he have to reject each individual edit manually?

Friend who has lived in apartments all his life buys on Zillow a $200,000 house in Maine, where he has never been, from its owner. "Don't you want to go see it first?" I said. He said, "It's perfect, exactly what I want, only half a mile from the ocean."

Friend writes a brilliant book manuscript and I say so and am so excited I look up names of agents. "Thanks," the author replies, "but I know the critics will tear this book apart, I'm such an outlier, they don't want to hear what I have to say."

"I have such terrible stomach pains," said Mom. "Have you called the doctor?" I said. "Oh, doctors. They don't know anything. All they do is take your money," said Mom, who finally goes to ER two years later, in March. It's Stage 4 and she's dead by June.

Friend tells me, "Eskimos eat only fatty meat and they're very healthy and never get fat, so I will eat only meat, no carbs, and ketosis will burn my fat off," and I say, "Fat cannot burn in the absence of carbohydrate," and they say, "What?"

Friend says (this is the condensed version), "My daughter moved back in with her baby and the house is chaos and she is never home, and here I am at 60 forced to parent all over again." I say nothing.

Acquaintance says, "My son punched in all the sheetrock in his room again this week after I just had it replaced. I got mad and he started breaking my stuff and screaming he would strangle my parrot, and I don't know what to do." "How old is he?" "Thirty."

Friend says, "I am so sick, but I won't take this poison the doctor prescribed, and I'm using essential oil in my diffuser but it doesn't seem to be working."

Demetrius, panicking, shows me blood blisters in his mouth after he eats grilled hot dogs or Spam. He develops esophageal cancer. With surgery, radiation, and chemo, it is cured. He resumes eating, in secret, pounds of bacon, bologna, ham, hot dogs, and black licorice. Died 11 years ago this week.

Six of these people I never see anymore. Feel kind of sad I couldn't save them from themselves. But I see now it was wrong of me to try.